GeneralGPS

Lost and Confused, please help?

Hello, I am at the point where i dont know what to do anymore with my relationship. I am 36 and my girlfriend is 28. She has 3 beautiful daughters i have been able to be a part in their lives. Weve been dating for 6 months, she has lived with me for 3 of those now. I understand it seems fast, but everything seemed perfect. I work thru webdesign and pc repair, and bring home decent pay. She worked at different factory jobs and was doing minumum wage. No biggie to me, she was happy and money doesnt mean much to me, i look for more important things in people. Ok, here goes...when i started to notice there was a problem was when she started her most recent job 2 1/2 months ago. She just lost her previous job when she got sick with strep throat. This job of hers has her working 2nd shift, 3 pm to 3 am, 12 hour days, 6 days a week, with 2 hours of travel to and from work. Her hourly wage is alot more also, so she likes the extra cash. We talked before when she was at her 2nd shift job she used to have, and she quit to get a 1st shift job so she had more time with her kids. Ever since she started this job, our relationship has really done a downward spiral. We used to laugh all the time, she was always so affectionett to me, always sitting by me close and holding my hand. Our sex life was great, even though her ex really did horrific things to her in her marraige. Now she is always too tired, or some other excuse. Its almost completely gone. She used to never snap at me or have a look of disgust on her face when we talked. She has compared me to her abusive ex, and ive never hit her or would ever strike a lady, im a man not a loser. When she rejects me when we start to become intimate, it really hurts me. Sometimes i just roll over and suddennly she wants to again. Heres the problem...I feel like i cant say anything to her without her not wanting to talk about it, or getting angry. She told me out of the blue 2 weeks ago, her marriage is still on. She never finished filing for divorce. Her husband is in prison for a very long time. She lied to me, i would have never fallen for a married women. But now its too late, im too far involved and too much has been put into this relationship. I forgave her, i really did, i admired her for being able to get that off her chest as she tends to keep things in alot. After that, things started to get really bad, she used to call me from work and hate it when the bell sounded because she had to go, now her 10 minute breaks we talk for maybe 2-3 minutes and she always has to go for something. Then i caught her in another lie last weekend. She told me she was getting out of work at 11 pm, and was excited because after all the 12 hour days, you get time from work. She normally gets home at 11:50 or 11:55. She arrived home at 12:55 am, 1 hour later then she has ever been. We have a gps system on our cells, and i located her in the same area for 45 minutes. She came home and explained she used the bathroom at the gas station and talked to the girl running the register for a while. Note, weve always told each other our plans. It bothered me because i called her a few times and no answer. I was concerned at the time she may have got in a accident as she doesnt get much sleep. The next night, friday, she got out at 11 again, but didnt call me on her way. Again, my gut felt funny and i went and used the gps system again and seen she was on the highway heading home, i just though it was odd she didnt call, she has always called on her way home. 12:05 came around and now i was getting concerned from the other nights suspicions. I tracked her to the same spot again for 45 minutes or so. I called and left messages asking her to call so i knew she was ok. She called me back at 12:20 am saying she just got outta work and will be home soon, one big lie. We talked till she got home, i never let on i knew. When she got home, she was acting all cheery and asked if i wanted sex. I asked her again, when did you get outta work, she said midnite again. I asked again and said i know you got out at 11 pm. I then confronted her with print outs of where she was. She broke down crying, saying she feels like shes having a nervous breakdown and doesnt have any friends to talk to. She and a guy from worked Bob, maybe 50-55 years old, she said a father figure type, sat in a gas station parking lot and she said all she did was cry. I told her i didnt care if she had friends and needed to talk, just not to lie about it. She said yeah right...like i was her ex that abused her. She seems to compare me to him alot, makes me feel i have to be me and not him at the same time. We talked for a long time and she is in such bad shape, she thinks shes not pretty, smart, or deserving of love. She even suggested we stop seeing each other. Im not going to give up on her like others have in her life and told her that. I then told her i forgave her for lying to me, she said she wasnt looking to be forgiven, whatever that means. She told me she doesnt know anymore if she wants to spend her life with me anymore. That really hurt hearing that. The next day, Sunday, we spent at her mothers, and then to her sisters. She acted like she still wanted me, she held my hand and squeezed it again. She put her head on my shoulders at her moms. She kissed me in the car passionately for the 1st time in a long time. Then yesterday, i had things really eating up at me. I found this site and look at warning signs. She had alot of them. Now monday came and she got home at normal time, 4:00 am, and she asked me to set the alarm for 5:30 am so she could see her oldest before school. She then said she wanted to bring her to school, then her youngest to school, which wasnt till 12:00 pm in the afternoon. She said she had things to do, but then said later she was going to drop one off, sit in town, drop the other and go to work really early. After hearing that, i asked to talk to her and just spilled all. Told her how much it hurt when she said things like that and past things to meto me, and how she makes me feel like im worthless. We ended up cuddling, i had my arm around her and she slept on my arm. She is the one who moved over to cuddle. During the night, my arm was dead and i had to move it, she felt it move and grabbed it and held my arm to her chest. %:30 am came around, and i went to wake her and she didnt move or want to get up, so i made sure her middle child and oldest got ready for school. Went back to bed and cuddled again. Got up and got her youngest to school and again, cuddled back in bed. She slept till 12:30 pm, which made me feel better anyway. Why would she say she was going to do those things, then dont do it? Im thinking she wanted to hurt me or something again. Today i decided to let her call me, to see if she would. she did, and we even laughed a few times. She is really a great girl, shes had so many issues from childhood to that ex that abused her mentally and psycally. Here were my flaws...I would get upset when she kept rejecting me for sex, it really hurt because i thought i was disgusting and rejection hurts. One time i said, i was going for a walk, honestly i really was to cool down i live on a lake and walks are nice. She took that as i was going to cheat on her if she didnt have sex. And i admit, at times i did use that to get sex, but not all the time. Then another time, her oldest is starting to fail some classes, she told me she misses her mom and wishes she was home. She said that 4-5 times now to me. Her youngest 2 act up alot, and always ask wheres Momma. I work at home if i didnt mention that before. When my gf called at lunch, we had a heated talk, and i asked her if she was still looking for a 1st shift job, and she said no. Then i told her what her kids have been telling me, and she needed to be here and this job is hurting her family. She then said she likes where she is (even though she can barely move every morning) and wont do 1st shift. I then broke up with her and hung up. I realized then, i made a mistake and told her then phone hung up before i finished my sentence, i know i shouldnt have lied, but i paniced. She said she got sick the rest of night at work and almost lost her job (that and previous crying episodes i knew nothing off till this weekend). I told her this weekend, i was truely sorry, and i have learned from my mistakes and wont make them again, and honestly, i have. Is there still a chance for us? I love this girl and her children, her children really love me too. I see things like last night how she held me close and wouldnt let go as she still thinks of me as her lifemate. Thanks to all who respond, i really need to know what to do.

Public Comments

1. I know you said this before and other people are probably thinking it when reading this entry but, I think you are moving a little too quickly. Yes it feels right to you, I can understand that. I am not taking anyone's side because I only know your side of the story. Maybe you need some space. I know this is difficult because of the living situation and it is not necessarily right to be moving children around from place to place. I read that she has had issues in her past that might be a factor in her current and future relationships. How long has it been since she was last with her husband/boyfriend/ex? If it was only a short time ago, I think her wound is still open and she is still healing and trying to decide who is good versus who is bad in this world. I read that sometimes she ignores you and then the next day/night wants to cuddle, like when you went to her mom's house and she was cuddling you, holding hands, etc. Part of me wants to say that she was simply putting on an act in front of her mom so that her mother would not think that anything was wrong (again). As for her children, I know she works long days and that is tiring, but one cannot neglect their children and/or leave them in someone else's care. If she really said that she likes where she is and that she won't take first shift, I don't take that as a good sign. She is trying to get away, not only from her children but also from her life in general. I am sorry if this doesn't make sense, but I am a woman and after reading this, this is all I have come up with. I am not a psychologist, and I have never been married, nor do I have children...but after reading this 'cry for help' all I can think to say is "space". You both need some space.